Everyday Peacemaking ~ What Are Your Terms For Peace?

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

~ Wendell Berry

The Winter Holidays are upon us, and as I finally return to my small writing cubby here, renewed for the task of sharing ideas, visions, hopes and dreams for a better world with my loyal (and patient) readers, I am aware that this is a difficult time of year for many people; our culture embraces an ideal of happy family gatherings overladen with abundant food and good cheer but the reality for many is very different, and not at all in keeping with the advertised claims of "Home for the Holidays" and a "Holly Jolly Christmas".  For many people, ongoing conflicts with partners, family and friends generate a very potent and vexing emotional dissonance;  a painful sense of disappointment and anxiety that often escalates and sometimes, explodes, during the carefully cultivated family gatherings designed to celebrate familial and community love and connection.  Our holidays are too often burdened with high expectations of felt closeness and shared warmth and the disappointment when conflict erupts is often deeply painful; people suffer more depression and anxiety during the "Holiday Season" than at any other time of year.  Perhaps, then, spending some time thinking and meditating on the source of conflict in combination with bringing our expectations into line with reality a bit, with an eye towards creating, and celebrating, peace, is as good a way as any to spend some of the time in the weeks ahead of our gathered celebrations.
I've spent many years studying and practicing what I call "Everyday Peacemaking" or "Peacemaking 101"-- developing both an interior spiritual practice centered in nonviolence and intentionality about peacemaking, and a direct process for dealing with the inevitable conflicts that arise in every relationship.  I offer the process I've used to good effect as a gift to my community of readers, to those who've continued to follow my writing here, sending me emails and notes of encouragement to carry on and with gratitude and a hope and belief that peace is possible, I offer my basic "Peace Primer" in the hopes that it will help you to resolve conflicts with others, and make a more peaceful holiday season seem a bit more possible.

Everyday Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution:

Conflict, supported by a firm commitment to nonviolence and handled well, is an opportunity for growth, greater closeness and intimacy with another person.   Every time you are able to resolve a conflict with someone, you learn something that will help you understand yourself and others better and the daily practice of the skills of peacemaking are a concrete and visible way to do what Gandhi suggested and "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Try to see the conflict as a problem for you to solve with the other person, not as something that requires a winner and a loser; view the conflict with an open curiosity that allows you to probe and ask questions of it, to stay present and available for what it wants to teach you.  Stay focused on the issues, and not on your views and opinions about the person.  Instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, ask the other person what she feels she needs.  Tell her what you need and ask her if she can see a way for both of you to get what you want  in this situation.  If she is angry, ask "How can I be made right with you?"or"What are your terms for peace?"  Aim for a "win-win" solution in which both parties get what they want, or enough of what they want to be able to support the agreement.  This requires a willingness to compromise and a lot of creativity; there are often more possibilities available than those that immediately present themselves; stay present and available for what might come up! When you have reached an agreement both can support, make sure you follow through and do what you said you would do; there is no quicker or surer path to further conflict than failing to keep agreements made in good faith with another person.

It is possible to express your feelings and point of view strongly and assertively without being unkind or mean-spirited. Tell the other person how you feel without projecting your own ideas about what they're feeling or thinking--state your own feelings or ideas clearly and allow the other person to do the same ie " I believe...." or "When you said this, I felt..." is far more effective, and respectful, than saying "You think I'm crazy..." or  "I know that you did this just to make me angry!" which are deeply disrespectful assertions that generate defensiveness and shut down dialogue, closing the door on open communication. Each person gets to define themselves and their views while the other listens and responds attentively to what is actually said, and not to your own storyline about what you think they said, or meant.   Avoid blaming and accusation, further projections of judgment that don't further the peace process.  Name-calling, threats, ultimatums and the like only escalate the conflict.  Anyone can fight.  It takes no intelligence or special skill to insult, blast, strike or belittle another person.  Character, courage, patience and intelligence are required to deal with conflict in nonviolent ways and make no mistake--attacking someone verbally, or threatening them in any way, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually, is a form of violence. 

Remember that everyone has feelings and a point of view; give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Assume that an attitude of good will exists between you.   Believe that they want to work this out with you as much as you do with them.   Sincerely acknowledge the other person's feelings so that they know you are paying attention and that you care about how they feel.  A lot of anger can be diffused by validating the other persons' feelings and position and the other person will be more interested in what you have to say if you respond with something like "I can see that this is really important to you" or "I hear that you feel very strongly about this".  Avoid interrupting to disagree; don't cut the other person off.  If you feel you've missed a point, or if emotions seem to be escalating and confusion is seeping into the dialogue, take a deep, centering breath and ask for a ten minute break. Spend that time breathing calmly and reviewing the conversation so far, perhaps checking in with your own emotional responses and seeing if other questions or concerns are forming for you. When you return to the conversation, offer a quick review, as you understand it, of the other persons main points and concerns.   If you are unsure whether you have understood the other persons' position, try paraphrasing it back to them ie.  "Am I hearing you say......?".  Keep doing this until you both agree on what is actually being said. 

Stay connected to the relationship you have with the person you are in conflict with.  Some of our relationships with people will be more inherently conflict-prone than others--estranged spouses/life partners, parents and teenage children, in laws and extended family--remember that this person is important in your life, for whatever reason, and there is a relationship or connection that is worth preserving, even within the midst of long term difficulties, estrangement or separation. In the case of parents who are no longer living together as a couple, it is crucial that the practice of daily peacemaking and conflict resolution be modeled to children; not only will it make the journey of co-parenting children easier for the parents, but the children will have the security and peace of seeing their parents working together in healthy and life-giving ways, even if the family structure is changing, or has changed. 

During all conversations, then,  periodically look at that person with unconditional regard, love and respect and remember why you are in relationship with this person, what the relationship is,  and what your genuine hopes are for it.    Remember that you won't be angry forever; you will calm down and feel more in tune with this person again IF you stay in the moment and with the conflict until you can find that common ground; it's almost always there if you both keep walking around with each other and testing the dirt under your feet!   Again, this applies to any connection between people, in any circumstance.  While it's easier to see the value in this particular step when it's between a committed couple, say, or parents and children, or friends; it also works well with co workers or people in church or other intentional communities where there are bonds of affection and shared purpose.

If you don't seem to be getting anywhere with resolving the conflict, ask the other person if they would be willing to ask a third party to intervene and help sort things out.  Try to find someone who is a good listener, who will help both parties come to a peaceful resolution as opposed to taking sides.  The person you choose need not be a "professional" but should have a commitment to nonviolent conflict resolution, the basic peacemaking skills outlined here and the ability to remain detached from the conflict such that they can hear and respond to each person, defuse moments of intense emotion, knowing then, when to call for a break in the action, some centered breathing and help with reframing and rephrasing what is said so that understanding is enhanced, and the goal of peaceful resolution of issues kept at the forefront of the conversation.  Most people have someone in their lives who is viewed as a wise, stable, peaceful and skilled communicator and facilitator who can fill this role.  If not, there are professional peacemakers out there in the form of mediation services, dispute resolution consultants and some therapists and counselors who are skilled in peacemaking and can work with you towards your goals.

Once a basic agreement has been reached, and the two people (or sides) have made a preliminary peace, we move on to forgiveness and restoration; a separate and necessary process involving the following three elements:

1)  Recognizing that an injustice has occurred:  We acknowledge that someone has been directly, and personally harmed by something we have done to them;  intentionally or not.  

2) Restoring equity in the relationship:  Equity is restored as the one who has caused harm makes restitution, or an amend, to the injured party.  In response, the one who was harmed extends grace and forgiveness to the person who harmed them.  Only the people involved in the offense can decide how much grace, and how much restitution will be required to restore equity.  The two people, or sides, will have to work this out, sometimes with the help of an intermediary ( as above ) but, in many circumstances, if the earlier steps to resolving the conflict have been worked through successfully; an easy restoration to relationship and community will be made.  This step must happen in person, one to one, whenever possible.

3) Clarifying future intentions:  This means that the one who has caused harm explains in specific terms what she will do to ensure that she will not cause similar harm in the future.  Only those involved can make this determination and both will know when they have reached a point of satisfaction with this agreement.

Once people who have become alienated from one another complete these steps and agree that they have successfully accomplished their resolution, and if they are able to keep their agreements with oneanother, they will learn, in time, to trust one another again.

I have found, throughout my life, that applying these basic principles has helped me, most of the time, to work through the relationship difficulties I've encountered in all the places in my life where I find people--in short, everywhere!  I am, as we all are, imperfect and sometimes hopelessly flawed and have had many a failure even when I've carefully applied these steps to the best of my ability. The integrity of it is found in having made the effort and through embracing sufficient humility to accept our part in something, to do our best to make things right and in gracefully letting go when our best just won't get the job done that day.  Sometimes, we have to try, and try again, but, most people, like us, really do want to be loved, cared for and affirmed; sometimes, we just have to be very patient, with ourselves and others.  Conflict resolution done right is not a quick fix!

But are there situations where these steps won't work?  Well, yes.  Nothing is perfect.  There are particular issues which will prove almost insurmountable obstacles to resolving a conflict and, when they present themselves, and it has been determined that one, or more, exists and can't be remedied, there is nothing to do but acknowledge the inability to work towards a peaceful solution, forgive yourself, and the other person, for that inability, and move on.  The following is  a list I found through the Episcopal Peace Fellowship some years ago that I would attach to the ideas already outlined, and they've proven to be pretty reliable indicators of a genuine point of departure where further effort is likely to be ineffective:

When there is insufficient tolerance of differences between people or groups, or they do not trust each other.

When there is unhealthy fear of authority figures.

When they do not sufficiently understand one another's position.

When disagreements are viewed as disloyalty, disrespect, or personal rejection.

When people give up too quickly; deciding that there is no use in communicating further, often because they are in some kind of emotional or psychic pain, or feel threatened in some way.

When people are judgemental ie. when they make judgments about the other person's motives, character, or sincerity.

Presuming the other is unintelligent, incompetent, or in some other way, easily dismissed or invalidated.

Dishonesty; withholding relevant information, lying, triangulation (involving third parties in an attempt to gain support for, or avoid taking responsibility for, one's own issues. This creates an enormous burden for those who become the "third corner" of the triangle.  More anger, disruption and distortion usually follow)  and other forms of refusing accountability or of being unwilling to explore the issues honestly and openly.

 So these are the basics!  I hope that this outline feels helpful to you; I would love to hear your feedback and suggestions from your own experiences, successful and failed,  of peacemaking.  I wish all of you the joy and blessings of the season and peace in our time in the New Year.
~ Dona Nobis Pacem